Friday, July 22, 2016

fierce love + pretty cocktails




Gosh being a blogger is a funny old thing. You stumble around in your pyjamas at the kitchen table loading photos and trying to find the right words to tell your stories in a way that makes them relateable and understandable. You share your heartaches, and your successes, and your hopes and dreams while the dishes lie soaking in the sink and the laundry waits to be hung out. It's all stolen moments and wondering if other people will find interest in the tales you're telling. It's all bursting to express yourself completely, while desperately trying to honour the pacts of privacy you've sworn to uphold.

And then occasionally a blog bursts forth from you and everything makes sense. It heals, it connects and it empowers.

I agonised for weeks over whether to write the words of my last post. I worried about breaking my daughter's trust, I thought about exposing myself to the world, I feared judgment, and in some strange way I didn't want to cause pain to the other party. But the sentences were screaming to be written. They'd go round and around in my head until I felt like I was going crazy.

So on one of the first days of our holiday I closed myself in my bedroom and wrote them down. My part of the story. My feelings and reactions and fears.

I contemplated leaving it in my drafts and hoped that the writing was enough, but it wasn't. That post wanted to be published.

Mostly in the minutes after I publish a blog nothing happens. I feel relieved and happy to have sent my story out into the world. I press the button, I close my computer and then I move onto something else.

This time it was like a volcano erupting. In the minutes after I posted, my daughter came and lay with me on my bed and I read it to her to make sure she felt like I'd been sensitive enough and that she felt safe. Then, before I'd even finished, my computer started binging with messages and comments and texts. Messages of support, messages filled with stories and messages of empathy. And a week later they still haven't stopped flowing in, spreading a thick layer of compassion and understanding and community.

I am gobsmacked (I've never used that term before but the visual feels so fitting) by how wide spread this issue is, and has been for a very long time. It kills me. I can only hope that all the cliches about time passing and difficult situations making better and stronger people are true.

I'm holding this passage from Alice Miller's - The Drama of the Gifted Child close to my heart;
It is not only the 'beautiful', 'good' and pleasant feelings that make us really alive, deepen our existence, and give us crucial insight, but often precisely the unacceptable and unadapted ones from which we would prefer to escape: helplessness, shame, envy, jealousy, confusion, rage and grief. 
I'm so terribly sad and sorry for those of us who have been been treated badly and especially for those of us who have had to watch it happen to someone we adore. It's the worst. Worst! Worst! I'm sending love and strength and courage out to all.

In the meantime I'm happy to report that our holiday in the sun has done us wonders. We've talked a lot, we've made some big decisions, we've left it behind for a bit, and we've watched our girl become her sparkly self again, which has been amazing. The best!

I thank you guys from the bottom of my heart for letting me share my pain with you and for the love you've sent back. I adore this community! I'm trying my best to reply to everyone while still maintaining my holiday distance from my computer. 

Fingers crossed for a smooth term three. Writing this from the other end of the country with the benefit of time and geographical distance I'm feeling slightly optimistic but ready to be vigilant. Ready to be fierce.

Sending you the biggest love + tropical sunshine + a pretty cocktail

Kate

xoxoxoxoxo

ps sorry about the phone photos
pps hope you've got something fun planned for the weekend 


14 comments:

  1. So glad you are getting some space and relaxation from what is a very stressful situation. I've raised four kids-at times bullies were a problem at school, we did role playing and even put on our imaginary armour every morning before school. We tried changing our steps so said bully would stumble and change their steps. It did work. But my niece had a seriously horrendous bullying thing and had to leave that school. She still suffers from anxiety. Looking back, I just think life is too short to waste in unhappiness & difficulty-each day is a blessing, make it count and if your kids are unhappy change the situation before damage is done. Best wishes to you all x

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  2. A friend of mine visited today and told me about an app recently created by a wonderful person who has been at our local school working with the children. How I wish she had been here when my daughters, in their late 30s now, had been at school here. The app is called MYTERN and it sounds brilliant even for me in my early 60s. xxx Pip

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  3. It's amazing how this wonderful Bloggy world helps and brings the right words too us isn't it. You be a fierce mum if that's what's needed, but one thing I'm sure of you will do, is give all the love and support you need to, and even if you don't feel strong I've got a feeling you will be. Wouldn't the world be a nicer place if we were all just that bit kinder to each other :) xxx

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  4. Kate, feel free to write it down and publish it whatever happy or sad, weird or lovely. The saying goes ' a problem shared is a problem halved' just get it out of your head. If your daughter doesn't react and can find her own happy group, the jealous, unhappy people will find it no fun to provoke. Of course the downside of that is that they usually move on to someone else because their need is great and they can't be happy so they try to make others unhappy too. 'Misery needs company'. Sending best wishes and happy thoughts. Jackie

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  5. Warrior mums stand together..We are going through a thing and it bruises your heart you can't fix it for them, she is a strong girl coming to mum to talk about it and we wish you all well in dealing with the situation. Xxx

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  6. I do feel for you and for your family. There is no pain quite like the pain of being unable to stop the hurting of those we love - especially of our children. I think you are doing an amazing job of mindful, respectful and considered parenting. You will all find a way through this and come out the other side stronger I'm sure. Take care of yourselves.

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  7. Oh dear Kate, only reading this now.
    The only thing worse than hurting yourself, is if your child is hurting and you can't fix it.
    That is truly the hardest thing I've faced in life.
    I wish you and her love.
    Time will heal and as someone bullied at a similar age, with similarly powerless parents I can only empathise and tell you what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
    I don't know if bullying is the problem but I do know that my bully had a sad and disadvantaged life, and her future was so much smaller and sadder than mine, and if anything she gave me the gift of resilience.
    I stood proud and didn't change under pressure, and I've always been proud of that.
    Thinking of you and hoping for better times.
    Susie xxx

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  8. I've been seeing your holiday snaps on Instagram (you're not very far away from us, it's odd to see you posting photos so close to home!). I'm glad to hear things are feeling a little better. I really hope everything works out better in term three.

    Enjoy your seaside stay!
    Sarah x

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  9. Always great when you can take a breather and recharge the batteries of your soul. Enjoy!x

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  10. That top photo doesn't even look real - stunning!

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  11. This is so lovely to read, the first, but not the last, I will be back.
    Sending you all love and hugs xxxx

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  12. Iv read your blog forever but this is the first time I'v commented; I'm older than you and have lived through and beyond what your heart is breaking over, it will be ok it really will,core values are there in your family just keep doing what your doing.

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  13. I completely agree that writing a blog helps emotionally so you mustn't feel guilty for that. You needed to air some grievances and I'm pleased you've found love without as well as within.
    As a mother the first instinct is to protect so it's hard to accept when we can't.
    Your family seems close and strong to me. Hold on to that if nothing else and feel the love you all hold.

    Much love, J Xxx

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Thanks so much for stopping by...

I do read every single comment you leave and appreciate it very much, but I should let you know that I can be a wee bit on the useless side when replying to comments, that's just me, everyday life sometimes gets in the way....so I'll apologise now, just in case.

Kate XX

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