Thursday, May 22, 2014

listening in

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I've had one of those days. Some days are wonderful, some are crappy and some days are just blah, blah-di-blah-di-blah. Today has most definitely been the latter. You know those days, nothing is quite wrong but nothing is exactly perfectly right either. It's like I've used up all my energy, and have nothing left. I've been sighing a lot.

This morning I woke up, got everyone dressed and ready and then I took myself back to bed with my knitting. I never do that. I have way too much to-do, to do that. But today I did.

At the start I felt guilty and a bit embarrassed. Especially when my farmer boy came in from fixing the tractor and my Mum came over to show me her new hair. But I couldn't help it, I felt heavy and stuck.

But then I sat there under the blankets and knitted a few rows and thought about kindness and being kind to myself and realised that I had to stay there. I had to look after myself and honour the way that I was feeling. I had no choice.

And then I felt a bit teary thinking about some of the stuff that has been going on in my world lately. Some huge life changing stuff, some house rearranging stuff, some changing of the seasons stuff, some sickness, some excitement and a lot of other bits and pieces in between. Sometimes I find having a little sob by myself feels just so sad, but also so cleansing. It's nice not to have to explain it to anyone else and just to let it all wash over me and then off and away.

After a while I got out of bed and did some things. Nothing big or bold and nothing that meant I had to get dressed. But doing nice stuff made me feel a bit better and that was good.

First I made a rainbow out of lots of odds and ends of wool. Making tidy and making pretty at the same time was always going to make me feel a bit better.

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Then I picked some celery from the garden for a snack. This is the first year that we've been able to grow such great celery and eating it and running my hands over the tops of those lush green fronds is a wonderful thing.

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Then I finally wove in the ends of my face washers and popped them in a parcel to post to Cath for the Bellingen ladies to pop into their Day For Girls packs. What a honour it's been to play a little part in such an important project. Thanks for organising it Cath. x

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Then I looked out and found this dead bird outside my window. Poor little, tiny bird. When I went outside and picked it up I was amazed at it's weight. For some reason I had thought that it would be light as a feather but it wasn't. It felt heavy and earth-bound. I hope it had a wonderful life flying about our farm being free and fabulous and died in its sleep and not from hitting our window.

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Then I took some pics of all my motifs so far. What a wonderful project it's been. The crocheting time, the thinking time, the zoning out time, the patterns and colours and cottons. 21 motifs made, 10 to go, I'm going to miss this project when the month is done.

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Then I did some clearing and cleaning up of my new crafty office space, more on that later, and came across this photo of another time and place. Only about seven years ago but a lifetime ago all the same. I miss those times and those smiling faces. (I'm sobbing again…..)

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Then I picked some leeks for dinner. I planted so many leeks this year and now we need the space - every 'what's for dinner?' question works its way back from leeks.

IMG_9585 And then I ended up back where I started, writing my blog in bed with my knitting for company when the words needed time.

In the end I had a difficult but surprisingly lovely day. The outside jobs never happened, I didn't do nearly as much as I'd hoped to inside either, but I listened to what was going on with me internally and I honoured that and was kind. Tomorrow I'll be better off for it.

Sending love and kindness out to you guys wherever you are, whatever you are doing.

xx

43 comments:

  1. you are just so so lovely.
    thanks for sharing all you do.
    xxxx

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  2. good for you Kate, isn't it funny how our immediate feelings are of guilt and embarrassment..really its quite clever and intuitive to be able to listen to your own body and feelings, it's good for you and good for your family to take a day to be kind to yourself x

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  3. i'm bookmarking this post to remind myself that it's ok to take time out every now and again....there's so much pressure to be everything to everyone (albeit, mostly self-imposed). love your facecloths, flick x

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  4. Thank you for sharing Kate. Sometimes I also have day's just like this and then I feel terribly guilty for doing so. Reading your posts help remind me that I need to be kinder on myself, thank you :) Big love Bec xx

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  5. We all need to knit the day away (in bed) at times. It's a shame we feel embarrassed when we need to take care of ourselves. Is it a mother thing I wonder... I hope tomorrow you wake up less heavy. I too will miss making my motif every day and am considering just not stopping. I'll have to knit some facecloths up myself - what a lovely cause. Linda. x

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  6. Thanks for sharing such a heartfelt and honest post...some days are blah I too am hoping for better tomorrow. xxx

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  7. You know some days are just going to be like that aren't they. It's a good thing to be thinking of others and being kind but you can also be kind to yourself as well, which you did today. Sometimes us mothers just need a day off and when I say mothers need a day off, there's still cooking and attending to family but sometimes the other things can just wait for a day. By the way your leeks look amazing. Have a great day tomorrow. Regards Kathy A, Brisbane, Australia

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  8. Sending light and love your way Kate... Sometimes we just need to listen to that inner voice. xxx

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  9. Kate, you've done the exact right thing. You've listened to your body and taken time out when needed. I feel guilty when I do this, but then I remember that I'll be a better, nicer, wife and mum for having done so. As a result it actually benefits everyone. Well done for listening to your inner voice and acting on it. Hope you feel better soon. xxoo

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  10. Beautifully written Kate. Sending lots of love to you xx

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  11. That's just plain beautiful. And the perfect day. Thanks for being outspoken about taking care of yourself. By doing that, you make it super okay for the rest of us to do the same. x

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  12. What a brilliant role model you are being for all of us but more importantly for your girls.
    Cheers Kate

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  13. Oh good for you. A sob and knitting and tea drinking and gardening sounds the perfect way to be kind to yourself.

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  14. You beautifully describe one of those grey days that we all have. Thank you. Moke

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  15. I did this yesterday… Well I tried to. And then I wound up doing a few other bits and pieces. I think I'll have another crack at it tomorrow. A little quiet sob is so good for the soul too. The shower is my little sobbing space... I sat and had a teary with a couple of beautiful women today. Just about mothering and listening and being heard and how exhausting it can all be. And then we laughed and laughed and that was wonderful too. So much love, Kate. xoxo

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  16. Great images. Great words. Good to be reminded that although I have a great support network that is full of kindness, I should remember to be kind to myself too. Hope you wake up tomorrow feeling better for your time out.

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  17. Good for you to love yourself in the way you needed to :-) I hope today you feel more refreshed and ready for everything but if not do continue to be kind to yourself. I'm one of those people who need permission to do so but since I've been ill I have been learning....albeit very slowly :-)
    I send you love and hugs, Tracey xx

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  18. Sending love & kindness right back to you Kate xx

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  19. How lovely to notice the beauty in the melancholy days, the make the lovely ones so much sweeter. Xxxxx
    And thank you xxx

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  20. Bless your heart, you needed a bit of a break, all of us busy Mom's do. And a good cry can be very cleansing to the soul. Hope thing clear up soon and you are feeling like your self again. By the way playing with yarn always helps me too.
    Hugs,
    Meredith

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  21. What a beautiful true post. I too get that feeling somedays like the power has turned off inside me, like I used up all the energy and it's time to rest. But the show must always go on, & sometimes it's the little things that can turn the light back on xox

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  22. For all the 'blah-ness' in your day, you certainly showed us some pearls...I can practically smell those celery from here! Here's to a better tomorrow :)

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  23. I love the fact that you shared this with us. I can relate and sometimes we just need to push the pause button for a bit.

    Lovely post.

    Birgitta xx

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  24. so good to just take note of where we are right now! it's good to rest. Heather x

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  25. What a touching post, so honest and real. It often feels self indulgent not to do everything we 'should' and to fill every minute but sometimes some down time physically, mentally and emotionally needs honouring.

    I have only come back to posting on my blogs this week because I just lost heart over a painful condition and needed the time away to do only that that sustained me until I felt more balanced. I know exactly what you mean about the luxury of being able to cry or be sad and not have to justify it.

    Take care of yourself, thank you for sharing this and may you find comfort in going forwards.
    RedSetter

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  26. Sometimes staying in bed is the kindest thing you can do xox

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  27. I had a similar day on Wednesday. I just felt off when I woke up, so when the baby went back to bed, so did I. And then, instead of forcing myself to go for a walk, I sat outside, in the sun with a cup of tea. It was so nice, I made a second cup and very slowly perused a magazine. Then I fed the baby, and we played together in the sun. Nothing got done. But I listened to my body and am so glad that I did. Hope you're feeling better x

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    Replies
    1. Excuse me? Nothing got done? I disagree! You did some valuable mothering, playing games with your baby. Babies need this sort of social contact with their parents and that is so important for their development. You have been busy mothering which is the most important work there is! Feel good. :-)

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    2. Thank you Jodie! Why is it that the day to day chores always feel more important, or at least more pressing? I am almost 11 months into this mothering gig and I'm still learning to value this part of myself. Thank you so much for the loving reminder. x

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  28. Hi Kate,
    I have just wonderfully found you and your incredible honest and beautiful life! I am also a country girl with a passion for all things organic and authentic and I have just released my first children's book called "Grace has a Secret" which is all about kindness and gratitude. I would dearly love to send you and your family a copy of this book, she really is delightful and she has her own ......... brightly painted rainbow caravan which I think you would appreciate! Anyway, if you would like to find out more about Grace, please check out her website www.gracehas.com and if you like what you see then shimmy me an email with your address and I will joyfully and lovingly send you a copy. With much love and deep winter green from Tasmania, Prudence Holling xx

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  29. We all need downtime. Where do these feelings of guilt and embarrassment come from? Is it society's expectation of women? It's women who hold society together - managing the homes and families, feeding everyone, providing emotional support, and maintaining social links between families, neighbours, communities, organising the birthdays, bbqs etc. and then we do all that often on interrupted sleep and with constant interruptions and/or a full time job outside of the home as well. It's a big job for little recognition and is frequently undervalued and dismissed - no wonder we have 'blah' times! You did the right thing to give yourself a rest - physically and emotionally. No one can keep going full bore without needing rest. By sharing your feelings, you are giving permission to others to do the same, and recognising that it is necesary to take time our for yourself - it is not selfish or anything to feel guilty or embarrased about. If we don't look after ourselves, we can't look after anyone or anything else. Like the ebb and flow of the season, so do our energy levels. I am sure it is nature's way of telling us to have a rest and recharge. Good for you and I am glad you are feeling a bit better for being kind to yourself.

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  30. PS...your chicken wire basket looks so attractive, but does it ever 'catch' on your yarn? All the chicken wire I have ever handled has burrs etc. and sharp edges

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  31. Thank you for the reminder that sometimes we just need to honour the way we are feeling. Fighting it is not helpful to anyone, least of all ourselves. X

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  32. Hier in The Netherlands we say:
    "Ik neem een baal-dag."
    Today i take a baal-day.

    You just have taken your baal-day.
    Nothing to feel guilty about.
    I hope you feel beter today.
    Greetings from Holland, Susanne

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  33. Big hugs from France! There is so much giving on a daily basis because we love our families dearly. Sometimes, however, we just need to give ourselves a hug and a stretch of silent time to cry and dream alone.

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  34. Glad you could take a day to go slow and feel things properly. My life is on 'slow' at the moment while I recover from some surgery and am pretty much housebound, I can relate to many of your thoughts in this post. One of the happiest things I've done since my surgery was to start a crocheted mandala, inspired by you. I didn't want to stop so made it bigger and bigger and now it adorns our dining table. Thanks to you. Have a good weekend.

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  35. Poor little bird! I do love your photos... and it's really important to take time for yourself. It's what makes you able to take care of others.
    Sometimes things get a bit too much; they pile up until you just have to step back, have a good cry and then carry on. Doing things you enjoy, that are absorbing, helps.
    Enjoy your weekend.
    S

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  36. Thank you so much for sharing, your words gave me a sense of peace. i was meant to read it today x

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  37. Lovely words. Thank you for sharing this. x

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  38. Oh my, what a heartfelt post, you had me in tears! Your 'kind' approach to things has certainly had an impact on me, even when people and things are getting me down, which is mostly at the moment; we all need time to stop and smell the roses and it's good that you recognize this. It's 11 a.m. here in BG, I'm still in my dressing gown, with a mountain of chores to to do, but unfortunately my man will not understand my complete mental and physical exhaustion, well he will have to bugger off today, because I just can't face it either, hello sewing then :-)
    Jak x

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  39. Your words are beautiful. I too have felt this way this week. Overwhelmed, for no particular reason. Sometimes it's good to slow down and take stock.

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Thanks so much for stopping by...

I do read every single comment you leave and appreciate it very much, but I should let you know that I can be a wee bit on the useless side when replying to comments, that's just me, everyday life sometimes gets in the way....so I'll apologise now, just in case.

Kate XX

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