Thursday, August 15, 2013

The yarn basket

The yarn basket

In the middle of all the book craziness last week I remember thinking to myself that I missed my life. That I missed kneading bread and dirty finger nails from gardening and days without appointments and deadlines and city clothes. 

I guess the strange thing about all of this book stuff, is the feeling that I've taken a little break from my real life and now I'm finding it a bit difficult to find my way back again.

With all the fuss and fun and excitement I've drifted off somewhere.

I used to bake bread almost everyday for our family and now I can't seem to get back into that rhythm. Bread baking needs time and forethought, but now I never seem to remember until it's too late.

I've lost confidence in my writing. I've never called myself a writer which made writing easy. But now for some reason things have changed. I still know that I'm more of a recorder than a writer, but my writing is traveling further than blog-land now and I am feeling self conscious and sticky and uncertain.


The square by square blanket

There are some aspects of mothering that I am feeling on top of; reading, seeing, cuddling, adoring, listening...But there are others than I am losing at; school notes, dates, organisation, finger nails, laundry...

It's been weeks since I did anything but harvest in the kitchen garden. Spring will be here any minute and I have a list a mile long of what needs to be done between now and then.

 Another hottie

I've mostly always had a one woolly project at a time rule but now I can't seem to stick to anything. Last night I found myself alternating between rows of a knitted blanket square and rows of my long, long scarf. Two rows of this, then two rows of that. Three projects on the go and I'm about to cast on a size one Milo to make it four. 

The long, long scarf

Ugh, I want to delete this all and start again. I think it might sound negative and yet it's really not. It's just different. 

This morning I've sent off some photos for a magazine and an article to a newspaper and now I'm sitting here with time. It feels a bit strange. Like a holiday. Like luxury.

I think I'm going to press publish on this, mix up a bread dough and leave it to rise, and then head out into the hot house to prick out some onions. Hopefully my farmer boy will come up from planting the food forest and join me soon.

The winter sun is shinning, my book is out in the world, I am happy to be here on our farm and I feel optimistic. 

(And just between me and you, I feel happy that I've got this all down, but that it'll be in my archives in a few days time.)

How about you, are you enjoying the sunshine?
Are you making something colourful?
Are you between things, or are you missing things, or are you there?

I hope you are happy today, I really do.

Bye! xx

44 comments:

  1. I think we all feel like that, at various times. I think it's important to work out what you have control over, break it down into manageable chunks and slowly, slowly, work through it. Those things you don't have control over, let them go. It'll be fine. And you have an amazing book to show for all your efforts! Honestly, you're still only human!! And there's only so many hours in the day...

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    1. I love that! It's all too easy to be overwhelmed.
      Manageable chunks of things I have control over.
      Brilliant. Thanks. x


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    2. This is really great advice, I'm taking to use for myself too.

      cheers Kate

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  2. Welcome to life Kate! I feel just the same way, start something, then race off to something else. Cannot seem to focus. What helps me is writing things down, so that they are out of my head and not swirling around in there. Then I guess it's just a matter of eating the elephant ~ one bite at a time. You'll be fine. Cheers Jane

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    1. I can't get past the thought of eating an elephant now...where would you start? x

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    2. Good point Kate! I hadn't actually thought of that....in fact I don't really think I want to! Enjoy today. Jane x

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  3. Hello again Kate. Deborah's words are wise aren't they? Your woolly projects look bright and soft and cosy as always! I hope you got to make that bread...there is something about making bread that makes me feel very calm and grounded even in crazy, hectic times. I am pleased to report the banana bread was a hit!

    PS I am doing a little review on Vantastic on my blog in morning, I had fun taking photos of it :)

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  4. Firstly, I cannot believe how much I love that tablecloth- beautiful!!

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    1. And secondly maybe you just need to think of yourself as a recorder when you are on the farm at home. I personally have ALWAYS thought of you as a writer- I remember arguing with you about it so long ago. Xxx

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  5. ooh I'd love to see one of your finished hottie covers but you don't seem to have a search button for the blog. I'm new and don't know where to look!

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  6. I love your yarn basket, and your words. Those fingernails, never get on top of those!

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  7. Hi Gorgeous! I posted about enjoying the sunshine today!
    I hear you in the notes and nails too!
    Hope you got your bread on the rise and are enjoying it now. x

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  8. Yeah, I'm feeling you. Big time. Although I havn't been writing an ace book and promoting it all over the place! So what's my excuse?
    I've been making a lot of things lately for samples for my up and coming craft workshops, yet I feel like I havn't done much crafting at all. Apart from your little caravan, I havn't crochet in donkeys, and I'm missing it. But there's a gazillion other things I need to be doing at home while I'm there, none of which I seem to be fully winning at. I blame winter. It weighs me down and makes me move slow and steals all of my enthusiasm and drive to do anything. Blah.
    Your writing is as good as ever! I love reading your blog. It's just like a conversation where I'm doing all the listening. It's easy and lovely.
    Hope your mojo is back really soon.
    Rach x

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  9. Always the same when a deadline is passed... you'll be back to yourself in no time!

    Penny
    x

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  10. I am so glad your post had a happy ending and you finally got the time to make some bread and have some time with the Mr.

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  11. Fingernails. Yes! Bt so long aaa I remember to brush their teeth, it's a good day. So long as there's time for cuddles, it's a good life.

    But on that last questions: yes. I'm always between things and missing things, but I'm also always there and present and paying attention. All at once.

    Bridie. Xx

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  12. But so long....

    Can I start over? One of those days!

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  13. You'll get back on track Kate & if you don't think of it as a new track, a new routine. I guess its just been so busy your mind is taking its time settling down but it will xx

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  14. The Averages have just made a life changing move - 200 miles across country to the most beautiful place with views that just go on for miles. I gave up full time work to be full time mum, bake and cook more (my real passion), grow our own veg in our new mountain garden and to spend time putting pen to paper in a relaxed way (my indulgence). Yet I haven't been able to settle into it. Nothing gets done, although we have the whole day. It's a weird feeling when it all changes... I'm with you on that, but am certain it will settle for us all soon.

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  15. Beautiful basket of wool. I guess take a bit of time for yourself, make a list of things to do, but alternate with "a must do job" then "a something for me moment', then 'a must do job'. You'll still achieve things, but feel that you are finding yourself again too. Have just requested your book from my local library - can't wait to see it. Have a great weekend.

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  16. Oh my lovely Kate this post rings so loud & clear to me in fact I made a similar decision a week or so ago...I had become so lost and caught up with everything that I had lost the core of me and what I really love about life. I feel I am getting there and so will you my lovely lady...xx

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  17. Oh Kate, I see you. I think the fact that we are at the end of winter doesnt help we all need some cheer up sunshine. I always read your blog and marvel at how much you get done so it's all about perspective. Instead of counting the things you are not getting done count those you have done. Write yourself an achievement list every day.
    I too lose at fingernails and school notes (thankfully the lovely teacher emails me reminders!) and hairbrushing and tidying-up. I think lots of us do! Did the laundry today though so I can feel good about that.
    I would love to hear about your plans for spring veggie planting as I am also losing at veggie gardening (2 miserable broccoli plants and 4 lettuces does not a veggie patch make!)
    Keep writing your blog I love reading it, you are marvellous xxx

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  18. Oh yes, the fingernails! Glad to see quite a few others relate to that too. Seriously, I get the horrors sometimes when I think other parents have been helping my youngest do reading at school and would have seen his grubby long claws.
    Just keep going. Your voice sounds as warm and honest here as it always has done :)

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  19. Kate, don't you dare doubt your writing! I read your blog religiously; have for years; it's the only one my heart beats a little faster for whenever I see another post has been added.
    Thank you!

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  20. I agree so much with Ginny. I look forward to your posts and can't wait to get your book in the post. You are a fully fledged writer to me and many others I think. Ps, fingernails are the things that all us Mums forget until its too late!!

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  21. oh yes - Ginny is right!!!
    I'm here there and everywhere, and feel like I'm achieving not much (when I really do have assignments to write, lessons to plan, a VIP interview to start prepping for). Plus, having hubby away (extended..) means I'm on here most of the night, attempting to work yet procrastinating most of the time.
    Loving your pics, the rainbow yarns, and the farm-spiration! I think I need a week on our 'land' (not a farm anymore) to just disconnect and reconnect.
    You have a book, a working farm thats providing, beautiful photos and very inspiring writing (and awesome knitting skills) !!
    Big XXX's !
    Lauren :)

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  22. I know how you feel. We moved a few months ago, and I feel like I haven't really gotten back into the rhythm of a schedule yet.

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  23. Beautiful and fun colors for a blanket- love the patchwork look.
    Just want to let you know that you inspire me everyday...not just with your words, but your images of what you guys are up to- your family and every day life. As a mom of 4 I too know how important rhythm can be.
    I look forward to your posts Kate....whether you bake bread or not, this is a lovely place to visit.

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  24. Happy here in France. Totally get our post. Enjoy today. You are awesome! And your honesty is great (we all fail sometimes, especially the kids finger nails)

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  25. Sometimes, well often in fact I crave something more, as soon as I have more more more I crave a simple existance at home. No pleasing me it seems. It will all come down a little soon no doubt.

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  26. Nevermind about feeling a bit lost- reckon we all do some days.. I know I sure have those ones.
    Huge hugs & here's hoping a bit of yarn & bread & time hanging with farmer boy will help you feel more yourself.
    Hope it's a beautiful day for you.
    The cherry blossoms are out here and that's what I'm loving tools some photos last night for the first time in ages & it felt great:)

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  27. I can understand every word you said. I have so much work to do and it seems it will never end. Sometimes I think there's a big mountain of work in front of me and it will bury me some time in the future. And at other times I feel happy in spite of the many work and I think that nothing of it is very important. And I start new projects happily because I think I'm strong enough for it and everything. So I wish you the best and I'm looking forward to all of your posts cause they're so interesting.

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  28. I've loads going on in my head I'd like to get down but there's so much I can't think where to start, then when I do it doesn't seem blog worthy, so I don't write it..then again it's the every day things I like to look back on..I do miss writing my blog. I'm looking forward to seeing your long scarf, and I plan to make your lentil bolognaise this week..x

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  29. I get it I get it I get it I GET IT!! Thanks for posting this and normalising these feelings that I so often have. I absolutely understand that whole doubt thing.. feeling like a fraud etc.. Let me tell you I love your writing and you've got nothing to worry about. Well done on all your achievements so far!

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  30. Yes, Kate, the comments ring true for me as well. Fingernails... How DO people keep up with them-I don't find the time or the inclination frankly...

    You are so fun to read, your pictures delight my senses; the adventures of your family and its farm are lovely to read and look there, You had a Baby (read: book published) !~! Life tangles and straightens--I hope your dough rises and the yarn runs freely thru your fingers.

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  31. I SO know what you mean, I was thinking along the exact same lines yesterday. I too miss my old life, where I was free to create whatever, whenever, answering to nobody. I am now a joint director of a company, and a partner of a studio, and it weighs heavy sometimes. I'm hoping for a lighter time of it very sooon.
    For what it's worth, your writing is incredible Kate, as is your creative vision. I am thoroughly enjoying your book, it is like holding a gift in my hands every time I pick it up.
    Much love, take the days gently
    Lxxxxxxxxxxxx

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  33. I think it's often good when you're made to take a step away from 'real life' ...it makes you think about what you have and what you really want but in the end everything you do is positive if it helps you understand a litttle more about yourself...the books looks fantastic and I love the song in your 'film'!

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  34. I have been meaning to comment here since I first saw this post... Can I just say that I love your courage and your honesty! Your description of 'feeling self conscious and sticky and uncertain' is just the best. Yet you follow through and hit publish and didn't delete. How goddamn brave are you? I love that, and want you to know that your courage actually boosts my courage... somehow!? I think I want to hit delete before I hit publish all the time! Sometimes I do. But this post and your bravery to just do it (and it'll be in archives soon), is something I'll think about next time I want to do that. Hope things are falling back into place again. Thanks for your honesty :-)

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Thanks so much for stopping by...

I do read every single comment you leave and appreciate it very much, but I should let you know that I can be a wee bit on the useless side when replying to comments, that's just me, everyday life sometimes gets in the way....so I'll apologise now, just in case.

Kate XX

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